Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Little update

So its been like another 10 days without blogging... sorry!

We've had a pretty exciting week.. we saw our baby for the first time and we found out the gender! (I'll be telling you all soon!!) I'm convinced we have the cutest baby in the world! So perfect. It was incredible to get to see our little one on the screen... there's really nothing like it.
So tomorrow I will be 22 weeks! Moving right along. I love the feeling of turning a new week! My belly is getting so big. I know I say this all the time.. but really, being pregnant has been the most exciting, beautiful time of my life. It's all so incredible.
 Sometimes my heart aches just to hold our little one! I can't wait for that day! But until then... I'll totally enjoy the little kicks I get every morning. :)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

20 weeks

I'm finally posting bump pictures!
This baby is growing so quickly! Right now the baby is about the size of a cantaloupe.. my bump seems to be growing bigger and bigger over night. So exciting.

Excuse the pictures in front of the bathroom door ;) its hard to get decent lighting in this apartment! 

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Our baby Story- part 2

READ part 1 here

 Sure, our baby was just a few days old.. age doesn't matter, it hurts nonetheless. 
I was angry. I questioned God over and over again. It didn't makes sense how or why He would do something like that.

I feel like we had pretty much given up hope for awhile. It didn't seem like it was going to happen for us..but we tried again. A few days before my expected period that next month, I kid you not, I looked out the window and saw a huge double rainbow. Now, it wasn't like I was seeing rainbows everyday in Florida.. those two rainbows were the only ones I can even remember seeing the whole time we lived there. Maybe there was one when we first moved there?? Can't remember. 
Anyway, once again that rainbow was a ray of hope. He knows how much we can take. He knows when we need a sign. He knows when we need to know He is there. 

That month, I really didn't think I was pregnant.. I mean, part of me always had hope that maybe I was.. but it didn't seem likely.. I remember the day I had told myself I would test.. (I actually waited till that day came!) I woke up super early.. Lee was still in bed, but he woke up and I told him I was going to Wal-mart to get the tests. We were both so nervous... that drive was seriously torture. I finally got home.. Lee was still in bed. I told him I was going to do it.. and not to come in the bathroom. Haha. I was shaking like crazy.. I took it... and guess what?! 


The line showed up immediately, and was as dark as could be. I was pregnant! I of course, ran out of there and told Lee.. we were so happy. Obviously, it was still a little scary.. I mean just a month before this same thing had happened.. we were so happy.. and then days later we lost our baby. For a LONG while I really struggled with this pregnancy.. I had so much fear of what could happen. 
I'm not about to say that I did a very good job of leaning on God during that time... I felt afraid that we would lose our baby again. 
I'm also not going to say that I even really understand why we had to go through all of that. I think a lot of times we find ourselves in trials.. and we wonder why why why. 

I am clinging to the fact that God really DOES see the bigger picture. He knows. 
We don't always keep the eternal perspective. But He never loses it. 

1 Samuel 1:11a
And she made a vow, saying, "LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him the LORD for all the days of his life."
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.

The Lord has given us a beautiful baby. A baby that is the perfect mixture of me and the love of my life. What a blessing and honor that I will never take for granted.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Our baby story

Disclaimer: I totally realize that many women have gone through significantly harder things then what we experienced. Please know that because of what I have been through, my heart feels so deeply for women and men that are having a hard time conceiving or have lost a child. 
This is our story.

So, I've been sort of avoiding writing out our journey of getting pregnant. I think its because the events leading up to and the event of finding out are so close to my heart... and I fear that my words won't correctly portray the deep feelings that I had and still have surrounding these events. 
But its time. Time to write about the days that forever changed my life. 

Like I said before, Lee and I had been trying to get pregnant since May. Very shortly after we had decided to start trying, I became extremely discouraged. We had only been trying for one month, and all ready I was gripped by fear. Fear that maybe we had a problem. Would if we couldn't get pregnant? Would if the one dream I've always had to become a mother was never going to happen? 
As each month passed on, my fear increased. I was angry.
 I realize that it didn't take us much time at all to get pregnant compared to many other couples. But that didn't change how I felt. I was upset, all of your life your always told that sex=baby. So when it didn't happen instantaneously, I thought something was very wrong. 
Every month I would think maybe this would be the month. The days leading up to my period were dreadful. I would pray and pray and pray that it wouldn't come. That this would be the month that would bring us our precious gift. 
The end of May came, no baby.
 June, no baby.
 July, no baby. 
I remember pleading with God to give us a child. It was a raw and emotional time for both of us. I'm not proud of the fact that I got mad at God. I wondered why He would put such a deep desire in my heart for this little one all of my life, yet withhold it from us. 

Then August came. 
I'm not sure exactly what day it happened. But I remember praying constantly, asking the Lord to please allow it to be this month. I didn't feel like I could bear another month of disappointment and pain. Anyway, I was walking out of the store, and right before my eyes was a beautiful, huge rainbow. We were living in Florida during that time, and goodness those are some beautiful rainbows. 
I knew in that moment that God heard my cries. He knew. For three months I had begun to wonder where God was, if He was even listening. That rainbow reminded me that those thoughts were so far from the truth. He was there and He did care. 
Part of me felt like that was the sign that I had been waiting for. I thought for sure I would find out I was pregnant in just a few days. 
This story in itself, just shows how selfish I can be. It was like I would only be happy with God if I got things when and how I wanted them. I am still learning each and every day that God knows best, whether we like hows things happen or not. He always knows best. 
So, a few days passed and I just couldn't wait any longer. It was two days before my period was supposed to arrive, and I just HAD to test. 
I decided that I would wait until Lee went into work that night, so that if it did come out positive I could totally surprise him when he got home. Lee had no idea I was going to be testing that night.. and goodness that day dragged on and on. I think that was probably the only day I was ever EXCITED for Lee to go to work ;) haha.
Anyway, he left. 
It was time. 
I can't even explain how much I was freaking out. I wanted SO bad for that test to be positive. I wanted SO bad to not be disappointed again. 
I took the test. 
IT WAS POSITIVE. I was finally pregnant!!! 

I was in some serious shock. I couldn't even believe it. The rainbow flashed in my head that I had seen a few days before. He had blessed us with a baby. A perfect little baby. 
There's really no way that I can fully write out the way that I felt that night. I was overjoyed. This was the night that I had always dreamed about. The night that I would tell my husband that we were having a baby.
Next, I ran to the store to get our little one their first pair of tiny socks. A sweet little pair of soft, gray socks. I was beaming. I wanted to tell every stranger in site that I was having a baby. 
After long hours of waiting for Lee to finally get home, he walked in the door. I thought my heart was going to stop. I was so excited. I had written in big letters on my belly: "YOU'RE A DADDY" with bright red lipstick. I lifted up my shirt as soon as he walked in the door.. and I can't even tell you what his face looked like. We had both waited so long for this. It was finally happening. 
I think we were both in shock for the rest of that night. It was beautiful and exciting. There was a baby inside of me. 

I should mention that when I took my pregnancy test that night it was rather faint.. but still definitely there. I was worried about it being so faint, but everything I read online told me that as long as there was a line then it was positive. I e-mailed a midwife I had found online, and she said the same thing. So I tried not to worry. Each day for the next three days I took a test.. and each day the line got lighter and lighter. I knew something wasn't right.
I was panicking.. I had waited so long for this. What if something was wrong?

Three days after I got that first positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding. 
And it didn't stop. 
We had lost our sweet baby. The baby we had prayed and begged God for. The baby that brought my heart more joy then it has ever felt. 
My anger escalated to a new level. Those were some of the most painful days of my life. We had waited and waited for God to give us a baby. I thought it was finally going to happen. It finally did. And then our baby was taken away. 
It felt like we were being tortured.

to be continued.

Saturday, January 7, 2012


Hello friends! 
I know I haven't been around here much.. but I just wanted to drop in and give a quick update of how things are going over here. 

First of all, Lee and I had a lovely Christmas. Christmas is just so fun being married to your very best friend.. I can only imagine how fun it will be when we have a little one! I really love how Lee and I have tried to keep a fairly simple Christmas around here. Of course we can do better.. the important part is to really keep the focus off of ourselves and onto Christ. Something we need to work on everyday.

The day after Christmas, we spent time with some extended family and then we headed to North Carolina to visit even more family. We had such a great time! 

I am now in my 19th week of pregnancy! Woohoo :) We had our second appointment with our midwife yesterday. It went wonderfully.. we also got to hear our sweet little ones heartbeat again. That sound is nothing short of perfection. 
I'm amazed at how fast this pregnancy is going. Next week I will be at the half-way mark. I can't even wrap my brain around that! 
In REALLY exciting news, today was the first day that Lee and I both felt the baby kick our hand!!! It was such a special, beautiful moment between the three of us. 
For the past week or so, I had been feeling strange little bubbles.. almost like gas bubbles but not quite. I was pretty sure that was the baby. But feeling those tiny little kicks today totally just confirmed that our little one is swimming around freely in there!

I really am sorry for the lack of blogging these past few months. There has been so much going on around here, and it makes it hard to actually sit down and write out a post. I really need to get back into my blogging groove.. writing is such a great outlet for me and I know that I will especially love looking back during this time in our lives and reading my thoughts and random updates. 
I know I say this a lot, but really, thank you to all of you who have stuck with me during this dry spell!

Oh! one more thing, I plan to put bump pictures up soon!