Disclaimer: I totally realize that many women have gone through significantly harder things then what we experienced. Please know that because of what I have been through, my heart feels so deeply for women and men that are having a hard time conceiving or have lost a child.
This is our story.
So, I've been sort of avoiding writing out our journey of getting pregnant. I think its because the events leading up to and the event of finding out are so close to my heart... and I fear that my words won't correctly portray the deep feelings that I had and still have surrounding these events.
But its time. Time to write about the days that forever changed my life.
Like I said before, Lee and I had been trying to get pregnant since May. Very shortly after we had decided to start trying, I became extremely discouraged. We had only been trying for one month, and all ready I was gripped by fear. Fear that maybe we had a problem. Would if we couldn't get pregnant? Would if the one dream I've always had to become a mother was never going to happen?
As each month passed on, my fear increased. I was angry.
I realize that it didn't take us much time at all to get pregnant compared to many other couples. But that didn't change how I felt. I was upset, all of your life your always told that sex=baby. So when it didn't happen instantaneously, I thought something was very wrong.
Every month I would think maybe this would be the month. The days leading up to my period were dreadful. I would pray and pray and pray that it wouldn't come. That this would be the month that would bring us our precious gift.
The end of May came, no baby.
June, no baby.
July, no baby.
I remember pleading with God to give us a child. It was a raw and emotional time for both of us. I'm not proud of the fact that I got mad at God. I wondered why He would put such a deep desire in my heart for this little one all of my life, yet withhold it from us.
Then August came.
I'm not sure exactly what day it happened. But I remember praying constantly, asking the Lord to please allow it to be this month. I didn't feel like I could bear another month of disappointment and pain. Anyway, I was walking out of the store, and right before my eyes was a beautiful, huge rainbow. We were living in Florida during that time, and goodness those are some beautiful rainbows.
I knew in that moment that God heard my cries. He knew. For three months I had begun to wonder where God was, if He was even listening. That rainbow reminded me that those thoughts were so far from the truth. He was there and He did care.
Part of me felt like that was the sign that I had been waiting for. I thought for sure I would find out I was pregnant in just a few days.
This story in itself, just shows how selfish I can be. It was like I would only be happy with God if I got things when and how I wanted them. I am still learning each and every day that God knows best, whether we like hows things happen or not. He always knows best.
So, a few days passed and I just couldn't wait any longer. It was two days before my period was supposed to arrive, and I just HAD to test.
I decided that I would wait until Lee went into work that night, so that if it did come out positive I could totally surprise him when he got home. Lee had no idea I was going to be testing that night.. and goodness that day dragged on and on. I think that was probably the only day I was ever EXCITED for Lee to go to work ;) haha.
Anyway, he left.
It was time.
I can't even explain how much I was freaking out. I wanted SO bad for that test to be positive. I wanted SO bad to not be disappointed again.
I took the test.
IT WAS POSITIVE. I was finally pregnant!!!
I was in some serious shock. I couldn't even believe it. The rainbow flashed in my head that I had seen a few days before. He had blessed us with a baby. A perfect little baby.
There's really no way that I can fully write out the way that I felt that night. I was overjoyed. This was the night that I had always dreamed about. The night that I would tell my husband that we were having a baby.
Next, I ran to the store to get our little one their first pair of tiny socks. A sweet little pair of soft, gray socks. I was beaming. I wanted to tell every stranger in site that I was having a baby.
After long hours of waiting for Lee to finally get home, he walked in the door. I thought my heart was going to stop. I was so excited. I had written in big letters on my belly: "YOU'RE A DADDY" with bright red lipstick. I lifted up my shirt as soon as he walked in the door.. and I can't even tell you what his face looked like. We had both waited so long for this. It was finally happening.
I think we were both in shock for the rest of that night. It was beautiful and exciting. There was a baby inside of me.
I should mention that when I took my pregnancy test that night it was rather faint.. but still definitely there. I was worried about it being so faint, but everything I read online told me that as long as there was a line then it was positive. I e-mailed a midwife I had found online, and she said the same thing. So I tried not to worry. Each day for the next three days I took a test.. and each day the line got lighter and lighter. I knew something wasn't right.
I was panicking.. I had waited so long for this. What if something was wrong?
Three days after I got that first positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding.
And it didn't stop.
We had lost our sweet baby. The baby we had prayed and begged God for. The baby that brought my heart more joy then it has ever felt.
My anger escalated to a new level. Those were some of the most painful days of my life. We had waited and waited for God to give us a baby. I thought it was finally going to happen. It finally did. And then our baby was taken away.
It felt like we were being tortured.
to be continued.